What do you want?

Several times you stop and ask yourself,"What tangible do I have to hold on to? After all this while and all the troubles you hurdled yourself out of. Trying to find a newer way and finally getting on the road. Only to relapse into the storm you've already seen. The battles you've already fought. Enemies becoming friends and friends your enemies. Watching yourself go down on the same road you've faced before. Not learning from past lessons. And watch your life stop as others whiz by. Or others don't really matter. Just not getting anywhere. And then dreading the loss. The loss of what you love or whom you love. One by one watch as they go. All these fears and more. Lookin for shelter but finding none. Maybe lookin for shelter in the wrong place. Seeking solace but being rebuked. Asking for help receiving derision. The scriptures say that hell awaits those who break someone's heart. Is it true? Or is it simply hell for those who are hurt ?hearts do break. Sometimes some words snap through you like knife cutting your flesh. And then its done. There is a deep sense of throbbing pain. Hurt. Which lingers. How do you repair? How? people wanting bad things for you. Saying things on how you're gonna be left out. How do you deal with that? Say nothing and watch karma take its flow ? Or does karma even exist ? Mind games. Plenty of mind games people play. When things go awkward. When friends stop talking to you. Try to behave like a cool customer around you. Say things like "why don't you Google it yourself ?" friends who'd earlier be extremely lovable. Whom you mistook for friends. Well they were not friends. They were dependents. Dependent on you for something. But you don't get the point of their sudden behaviour. That doesn't matter. It has to happen to you though. All the nonsense. Deal with it now. But you've learnt better for once. From the past. And old makes way for new. Except for things you love. They remain. They have a weird way of staying. Always. In your mind or memory. But you can never let go. I yearn for something stable. Some kind of sense. Some understanding. I wish a few decisions were taken by chance for the good n not left on me. And I was taken ashore by some magic on certain aspects where I felt a little comfortable. A desire has long prevaled to gain something. And in the pursuit of that something several other desires arose. To fulfill your earlier desire and so on. And the cycle went on. And now you no longer re collect what was that you had really desired for in the first place? It seems like a distant memory. A faint story unheard. Lost in din amongst several other stories of the nature. Sometimes when I'm free and I walk alone with trees, I feel they are perfect. The most perfect creation of God. Plants and trees. They are so much at peace. So steady. They don't hurry. They grow in silence. They don't bother anyone. And have you ever seen a tree or plant that wasn't beautiful? That did not add to a place's charm? No. Never. Trees are perfect. And someday I will plant lots n lots of trees . Because they are the only living thing worthy of breeding. People should plant trees rather than reproducing. Human babies are not worth it. Can you watch a plant for a long time or a majestic tree or nature in itself. Man! what peace. I wish I had some of that for my mind. Days go by and years grow older. You grow older. And you feel sad. What's so sad about growing old? And why? Its stupid I think. We want things now. I want them now. Some people don't think like this at all. Some people are not affected. Some people are okay. Some people. I don't understand people. I should not change. Or maybe I should change. Who knows.or maybe I should give up this fretting until time slips by again. Chunks of time. And wait for another time. When something ignites me to feel the same and come back with a rant? Questions? the search would still go on to find something to hold on to. I only wish something came back on track. That's all for now. In all your loneliness. Signing off.