Sunday, December 14, 2014

Of Goodbyes

Here is my attempt to write something I've never tried before.
*********
There was once a girl. She lived in her own world. In her own head. Her own dreams. She was very different from the rest. The other girls did things which probably categorized them. She never was like them. She lived with them but in a unique way. Not an outlaw. But a variant. She wore spectacles. She could never see properly through them. The moment she put them on, she zoned out from the world. So it was like a veil for her. She thought no one could see her simply because she couldn't see anyone else. It didn't make sense. But that's where she lived, in her head. That's actually where everyone lives. And like Dumbledore said, ' Just because its happening in your head doesn't make it unreal'. So it was real.
She spent most of her life like that. She needed to come out if it. Her spectacles. Let's not get her wrong. She was pretty confident. But she liked to be on her own. She had plenty of friends. Some very close. But she never found the idea of sharing her life with anyone pleasing at all. In fact it made her uncomfortable. She never understood how others did it so easily. So, she was very happy in her own world. Merry.
He was sluggish. Laid back. Relaxed. Or at least he seemed so. Or tried to project himself so. To the world. We cannot really determine how he was. He had a dual personality. He mostly projected himself to be very understanding and intelligent. But on major occasions he never behaved like one. His words and actions clashed several times. So we remain confused on how he could be nice. Nice and mean both. Sometimes we suspected he was all a pretence. Trying to hide his true self behind a curtain and acting cool for the world. Nobody could be so emotionless. So non- ruffled by everything. But let's give him some benefit of doubt, to bring out some balance in our description.
Pretence. I guess most people are masked. Not their fault. The trick is to find those in front of whom you can comfortably lift the veil.
They walked with a gang of friends one sunny afternoon. All chatty and lost in the midst of don't-care-for-the-world and life-is-going-somewhere kind of feel. She chatted and walked toward the public transport. They were all heading back home. She did not weigh much of the situation nor did she observe much. She was selectively observant. She choose to ignore most of the day to day mundane details. It kept her mind free. And observing another human being is something she could never do.
He scrambled behind her with other friends. He had a weird style of walking.
His foot was funny. He laughed with others but couldn't help but notice her from the corner of his eye. She was, of course, oblivious to this. He noticed everything, the way she talked or smiled. They were such opposites. Everyone exchanged goodbyes and left on their own ways.
Later, one fine evening, he pinged her. They were decent friends. She was social enough. They spoke of normal stuff. Weather, music or movies. Then he told her. Of how she said goodbye.
"You barely look back. Just half a wave, move your head away and leave. You say bye on the move.", he said.
She didn't know where this came from. But she smiled. She had never realized she did this.
" You're a little weird. But I guess you're right. Why waste time on goodbyes. Its just a bye after all.", he continued.
She laughed it off and promised, next time, she'll say a 'proper' goodbye to him. She thought, what's in a bye after all.
Time flew. And stories grow, weaving people together. So it was, for them too.
What's in a goodbye after all. Little did she know, that saying goodbye to him, would become the most difficult thing for her to do ever.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Chatter

Realization brings about a sense of peace and contentment. It is a never ending process. And it is usually followed by action or in all cases, it should. Actions bring change. Change, a new phase in life. After several battles to gain your ultimate potential, I have realized plenty of things that only make me smile. Forgiving yourself is easy to do when you let go of the negativity that put you in ruins. What works for another may never work for you. Point to be noted. And when you're following the right path you will usually find yourself alone. The detractors will come with their theories only because it worked for them. They will plant a seed about how their thoughts are the best.  Their ideas or philosophies rule. You have two options. Fall prey to the worldly banter while you're lost in the din of your own thoughts. Or, have better sense to ignore. Walk away from things that pull you down. The latter comes as realization. The former will usually prevail. Soon you are immersed in self doubt. You question.  I say never rely on another. Especially people who are never willing to understand. Who don't see that the hurt needs medicine and not a lesson.
Believe in oneself is the Best option. Cut that tree that someone grew in your garden. Better still throw it out. Let go of everything that does not give you happiness. Have no time for those who do not value you. With the coming year this is the best resolution one can have. Your mind is a garden. Feed it only the best grow only the flowers not the poisonous weed. Not even one.

-Merci.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The end of year post

So December is here and it's time for that mandatory end of year post.

What were the best things I gained this year? What did I learn? What did I lose? Did I live ? Hell,yeah.

I wish I could spell out everything to the T because it's a fabulous story:p 

But I will write down whatever I can think of. Let's see how things went by.

So, my year involved resolutions, miracles, new found friends, love, unrest, dreams shattering and pain too. Total filmy year yaar !

Professionally it was super hectic with me in a love- hate relationship with my job. I worked on only new technologies this year and nothing else. This is something I just realized. Be it Genesys to re-usable modules to web page development to visual ivr  to avaya pom .. No two things I did was the same. This makes it a very creatively satisfying year. Okay enough of professional mumbo jumbo.

Do I still look for a change? Yes. Does it ever work out? No. Why? I really really don't know. Frustrating? Yes.

Travel. I travelled a lot. So so happy on that front. So many trips and new lands. Happy. I still feel like going to one more small trip before this year ends :p

Tv shows and movies. So I saw plenty of series this year. If you knew me you'd know it is a big deal. I enjoyed a lot. I roamed with office friends. It was fun.

Writing. I took up writing seriously this year. Firstly, this blog. I complete one year of dedicated blogging this December (yay). I even signed up for a three month term with The Indian Economist and wrote weekly articles for them. This really helped me push myself. Because writing with a purpose really expands your boundaries as opposed to leisure posts.

I voted. YES! First time.

What happens if you find love? Magic or tragic. You decide.

Friends. Friends I met many. Made new. I found one friend. Special . Probably our miseries got us together and sense of humour obviously. One of the best people I've met. So much fun, So encouraging. Always brought a smile to your face.

Nice story no? I lost the same friendship this year. Friends do grow apart.

I met two school friends who stay far away after really a long time. yay. 

Driving. I finally learnt driving and I can drive. Yes please. Positive. My driving class has taught me how investing even half an hour everyday into what you like feels so fruitful by the end of it.

So 2015 I have decided, I am going to keep pursuing some or the other hobby every month. I won't waste my time whiling away into nothing.

When I look back I see I had a lot of first time's this year. First flight. First time vote. First time drive. First a lot of other things I can't list down :P 

Inspite of all this, there seems to lack a sense of satisfaction. That happiness. What could be the reason? Am I missing something I cannot see? Does my reality not match my dreams? Shall I change my dreams because I cannot cope with this reality? I do not understand.

Maybe, what I want is what I don't get. But what I get is not bad either. I fail to understand. On another note I think I should not compromise with any aspect of my life.

I took a lot of tough decisons too. Maybe they were dicey. Several times I look back and reflect. Turning down a monetarily juicy offer because my heart wasn't into it. Saying no to things that didn't feel right. I knew a lot of people in my place would've done exactly the opposite of what I did. As things don't improve I fall prey to regret. But somewhere deep down I know I'm not really sad about it. I just din't want to bow down before my heart. Because it took me down a wrong path before. And it was terrible. So each time I look back in anger it's not for what I lost but why I did it. Stupidly followed my gut. 

But it is said your heart is always right. And I need to be confident of myself. There is a cycle of distress. I need to leave. Learn and grow. And I have to take the courage of asserting what I want and embracing change. And saying no to things that only end up contributing to more pain.

2014 hasn't ended yet and there are still so many things left to do. I always wanted to have a beautiful desk at office. Now that I have been shifted to a new place, I am going to have the most amazing desk ever and strike this wish off my bucket list :D

I have a positive feeling about 2015. Let's call on the new year and live the most amazing time of our lives.

Like Steinbeck said" And now that you don't have to be perfect,you can be good" 

-Merci.

Featured Post

Moonlight Dance..

The two kids floated in the air. Spinning around the moon. Tiny figures bobbing, to a playful tune. She said she'd make a dress, ...